I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
