i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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