You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just had sex on a roof
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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