I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You ate ashes out of my bong
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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