doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
