There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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