Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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