oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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