Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
