Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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