I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
