Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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