If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ruined the universe
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
