I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Ladies don't puke and tell
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