He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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