I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
