It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
