I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
