For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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