i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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