I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
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