i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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