I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
