he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Send help, water and tortillas.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
