just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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