His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
