Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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