final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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