A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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