I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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