Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
