Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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