Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
