Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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