I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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