end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
