Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
