After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I want her autograph on my taint
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
