I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have fence marks all over my body
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
