Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
