He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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