If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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