so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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