There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
