textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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