so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
