Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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