By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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