he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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