I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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