You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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