So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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