I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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