I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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