who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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